


Found and Captured

by Raina_D_Vines



Series: Grisha Trilogy Alternate Scenes [2]
Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Animal Death, Eventual Smut, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Multiple, Some Plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24736024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raina_D_Vines/pseuds/Raina_D_Vines
Summary: Mal and Alina have made it to Tsibeya. As they sit in the blizzard they discuss a few things. Meanwhile, The Darkling watches on from the treeline.Another "What-if" that goes into what could have happened in risqué scenes.
Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov
Series: Grisha Trilogy Alternate Scenes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1788631
Comments: 4
Kudos: 75





	1. The Clearing

I watch Mal as he looks around the clearing, his face scrunched in such a way that said, 'Fuck'. When he finally makes eye contact with me, he sighs, "Alina, I'm sorry."

I smile at him softly, "We'll find it tomorrow."

Mal gives me a forced smile and says nothing. The snow fell around us as we huddled together and as I shiver, my mind drifts back to when I first had left:

_ "He lied to me," I whisper to myself for the umpteenth time. The barn seemed even emptier as my body quakes with the memory of The Darkling's hands. Tears flood my eyes as faded sparks cause me to shudder.  _

_ "Why?" I ask myself once more, "Why did I allow myself to believe him?"  _

I shake my head, forcing myself out of the memory. I turn my gaze to glance at Mal to find his blue eyes staring at me. I raise an eyebrow, "What?" 

His brow creases as he begins to speak, "I was just thinking back to that night."

I roll my eyes, "Which one? There have been a lot of nights in our lifetimes alone, Mal."

"The Frete."

I look away from him as I whisper, "Me too."

"You looked so goddamned happy up there with him, Alina."

I shrug, "I was happy."

"You seemed so  _ proud  _ of yourself. Like being up there with him was the peak of your existence."

I feel my insides freeze as I force out a choked reply, "In that moment, it was. I was proud of myself and I was happy, but as we can clearly see now, those feelings were misplaced."

I feel Mal's hands on my cheeks as he turns my face towards him. I gaze into his blue eyes as he looks into my brown ones. His thumbs caress my cheeks, "I shouldn't have said the things I did, I'm sorry, Alina. I care about you and…"

I feel my chest clench, repressed hurt and lost love mixing together as I growl, "You called me a whore, Mal. You cut me deeply and stabbed me through all the way to my heart. Part of me broke then and I think that same part hasn't been able to let what you said go."

Mal visibly finches at my words, but he doesn't pull away, "I'm so sorry. I never meant… You were up there with him and in the meeting he said… And… Alina, I'm so sorry."

I look at him as he turns away then. How can I feel angry still? He gave up everything to help me. He didn't even know what was going on and, yet, there he was risking his life for me. However, did that really excuse what he did on the night of the frete? I had potentially been with another man and Mal had chosen to rip me apart. 

I find fire boiling within myself, a harsh contrast to my freezing cold skin. 

"You had been with saints knows how many girls! I've been forced to listen to their murmurings behind my back Mal, even after The Darkling took me away. I've loved you for years, fuck, part of me still does, but you decided to hate me because of one man and one set of accusations?! How the hell is that fair?!" 

Tears burn in my eyes as I continue, "I waited for you for so long! How much longer did you expect me to wait for you to pull your head out of your ass?!" 

Mal's face appears startled as he reaches for me again, "Alina, I was an idiot."

I laugh bitterly, "So was I."

Mal forces me to look at him and part of me finds comfort in the forced action

"How do I fix this?" he whispers. 

I feel the snow dampening my coat and the wind biting through into my skin. I was cold, freezing really, and, yet, as I allowed myself to relax, I could feel warmth take over my chest. I grab Mal's face and allowed soft light to glow in my palms, warming his skin. I smile, even as tears and snot drip down my flushed cheeks, and I reply, "You've already started fixing things. This isn't any worse than the time you convinced Ana Kuya that  _ I  _ was the one who stole the plum jelly."

Mal grins at me as we place our foreheads together. I continue to allow light to shine from my hands, providing warmth and comfort as we begin to laugh and recall stories of our youth. Mal and I definitely weren't perfect, but as the night wore on the parts of me he had managed to break began to feel mended and with each moment I began to realize, I still care for him deeply and, maybe, even part of me still loves him. 

When Mal looks at me with his large grin and his ice-blue eyes shining, I couldn't help the way my heart melted. He grabs my face once more and pulls me close. For a moment our lips brush one another, then I find myself pulling away. It felt  _ wrong _ . My chest aches as the sparks of belonging I expected to feel don't come. The rush of completeness, being whole, none of it was there. I love Mal, but it's in a different manner than how I feel for The Darkling. 

I open my lips, chest tight, "Mal, I… Look!"

The sentence dies in my mouth as a herd appears amongst the trees and into the clearing. Each deer was beautiful in their own way, but standing out amongst them was a stag of white. 

Mal smiles at me, grasping me tightly, "We did it!" 

I laugh, "We actually found them!" 

We looked at each other and for the first time in several days, I felt hope. 


	2. Betrayal and Conflict

How Alina and the tracker haven't noticed us encroaching upon them, I will never know. Within the treeline my people move into position, ready to jump upon them at any moment. I, too, stand behind one of the many barren trunks. The cold bites into my skin, the wind shoving through all defences, even my black  _ kefta. _ I sigh, forcing myself to focus on the shadows surrounding us, using them to conceal us further. 

I straighten as one of the men move up alongside me. 

"Should we capture them, sir?" Ivan murmurs to me. 

I shake my head, "They were tracking the stag, so we'll wait. Two birds with one stone."

Ivan nods as he moves away slowly to relay my message to the others. I flinch at the feeling of my insides freezing over as Alina,  _ my Alina _ , leans against the boy. I know her body shivers in the cold and I find myself resisting the urge to wrap her in my arms. She abandoned her country, her friends,  **me** and all I can think about is comforting her. Anger and pain surges through me like waves crashing along a rocky shore. The waves land, wearing away old barriers. Stone peels away and the salty brine drenches my soul in its burning embrace. 

I shake my head before moving my eyes back to the clearing. I watch as the two huddle closer, their forms clumping together into an indistinguishable blob in the darkness. My sight fails me, but the shadows do not. I know where Alina sits, I feel her gestures, and the way her lips move in the dark, brushing against it like a paintbrush upon a canvas. I can feel the  _ otkazat’sya _ as well. I sense how his body is so close to hers and his hands caress her face, every small movement causes my heart to stutter. 

My attention quickly shifts as Alina's voice rises above the wind. I can't make out the words, only the sound of her voice cracking reaches my ears. The pair part slightly, but they are soon drawing closer once more. I feel heat burning within my mind as light blooms in her hands, causing the  _ otkazat’sya's  _ face to be illuminated. His blue eyes gaze into her brown ones and my stomach churns.  _ Get away from her!  _

They press their foreheads together and I am forced to watch as they murmur and giggle with one another. Bile crawls up my throat, burning it as air leaves my lungs in harsh pants. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I vaguely make out the fact that the shadows around me are thickening, however, it doesn't wholly register. As their faces draw closer together, I feel as another part of my insides is torn out. My heart hammers at my sternum and I move my hand up to it, clenching the material of my  _ kefta _ as if to rip through it and down to my very bone. 

Time stops as their lips meet. I hear screaming echoing throughout my head. I am hot and cold all at once, my body shakes, and my mind scrambles to grasp reality. 

_ She wouldn't do that, but she did. Why?! Why the fuck are you doing this?! Stop! Make it stop!  _

I want to move, but I'm stuck in place. Everything felt wrong, broken, _betrayed._ Alina pulls away from him and suddenly the light in her hands goes out, but not before I made out the stag. I stare stupidly at the creature. I watch as the boy raises his bow and still I stand there. The arrow is being pulled back and I don't move. Alina walks closer to it and I somehow hear her say, "We'll find another way."

It's then that  _ finally  _ my mind catches up with the scene and I am able to move my arms to form the cut. I allow myself to slip into numbness and I step into their line of sight, "You shouldn't have hesitated _ , Moya Sevet _ ."

Her eyes are wide as she gasps at me.  _ Are you really that surprised?!  _ I move to do the cut once more. I was tired of the snow, I was tired of waiting, and I was  **done** watching all of this. As I move Alina does as well. She darts in front of the deer and I feel all air leave my body. In one quick movement, I'm barely missing her. Time slows as the tree behind her splits, as she scrambles to her feet, and as the two of them ready to leave. 

_ Oh, no you don't.  _ The shadows spiral in my hands and outwards to coat the world in darkness. Without much delay, Alina is spreading a bubble of light. It's blinding and makes our conflict come to a stand still. In another situation, I probably would be impressed. Right now, however, the action caused my eye to twitch in irritation. 

I shove the shadows against it and move closer, my people seeming to follow suit. Yet, part of me wonders if they did so out of duty or a need to free themselves of the blackness that smothers them. I get close enough to hear the two mumbling to each other. 

I speak, "Are you really going to fight me, Alina?" I force my tone to sound bored and indifferent as I fight to keep my voice low. I circle around to where I hear her soft breaths and it takes everything inside me to keep my words soft, "This is a losing battle, you know that."

She scoffs, "I'd rather fight a losing battle than give in to you!" 

I clench my teeth, "You already have before."

Her breath hitches and I move in right behind her, "Does he know?" 

I jump as Alina yells, "Do it now, Mal!"

_ Wait.  _

"I can't," the tracker responds. 

_ Is he going to…  _

"You have to!" 

There's silence for a few moments and in those few seconds I feel the gaping hole within myself begin to swallow me.  _ Don't take her away from me.  _

Then, he's sighing, "I can't."

_ Thank the saints.  _ I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I allow the echoing pangs of anger to fill my voice, causing it to sound deeper and colder than before, "At least he has  _ some _ sense, but still not quite enough to realize what we've done,  _ sevet _ ."

Another shard of ice is shoved down my throat as her bubble of light flickers. My voice grows even quieter, my tone sharpens as I continue, "Are you  _ ashamed _ of that? Are you upset that you  _ fucked me _ ?" The light wavers more and more until, finally, her little bubble essentially pops. 

The moment they are able, my people are moving. There's a slight scramble before everyone stills. I let the darkness fade and as my eyes adjust to the moonlight I am able to see Alina being held by an oprichnik and the boy by Ivan. I feel part of my chest ease. 

I turn towards the stag to see it still laboring for breath. I nod to it in respect for its strength and will. As I take a step forward I hear the oprichnik holding Alina grunt. Her feet rush forwards and I turn to her as she is grabbed once more. I find myself having to fight off a glare as I draw closer to her. I wave the guard off and grab her wrists in my own hand. 

I lean in close to her ear and hiss, "Behave,  _ sola. _ "

She thrashes in my grip as I yank her around to face Ivan and the tracker. I speak loud enough to be heard above the wind, "You'll stop or I'll gladly let Ivan kill the boy, understand?" 

As if to prove my point, Ivan digs his blade deeper into his captive's throat. Alina stills and it is then I push her in the direction of the still nearby  _ oprichnik _ . I walk towards the stag and raise my hands as I seethe, "We've wasted enough time here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do more scenes because why not? There will be smut for sure in the last chapter and I'm debating on having it in another spot.
> 
> Please leave your thoughts in the comments! I appreciate all of you lovelies!


	3. Rift

I felt boneless. Now that I think about it, I probably would be flat on the floor if it weren't for the fact that I was tied to a pole. I sigh as I try to adjust my legs to no avail. The collar clings to my neck like iron, it  _ hurts _ . It constricts and squeezes making my throat burn. I choke. 

_ I wasn't going to cry _ . 

I look around myself once more as my eyes blur. I blink a few times and the large tent comes into focus. I am towards the back wall, behind a stack of supplies. I am out of sight and out of mind and even though there are people on the other side I still feel as if I'm in a bubble. No one will talk with me, so I am left alone. 

My chest aches as my mind replays the events prior: the knife at Mal's throat, the stag's dead eyes, and the emptiness in The Darkling's voice. I shake my head. I shouldn't care for him. 

"Look at what he's done!" I think, "He has essentially enslaved you, taken away the  _ one thing  _ that was solely yours, and threatened to kill your best friend! You can't still care for him and want him!" 

_ Yet, I do.  _

I find myself fighting back more tears as I hear footsteps approach. I force my eyes upwards and who I see makes a huff escape my lips. It was Ivan. He looks down at me with disgust. It was like I was a snake he had found hiding out in his underwear. I squirm slightly as he continues to glare down at me. 

"What?!" I snap. 

Ivan shakes his head, "The Darkling says if you behave, your friend will go unharmed."

"Yeah, I know, I heard him in the clearing. I'm not deaf." 

Ivan continues to stand there, his gaze almost burning itself into me. I feel panic rising within my chest, it was a fast paced movement that overtook my being. My mind scrambles for why he's still here. Why is he doing this?

"Why?" I finally croak out. 

"Why  **what** ?" Ivan spits in reply. 

"Why do you follow him knowing innocent people are going to die?" 

Ivan's face contorts into a bitter expression, "You don't know anything."

I scoff, "I don't? Then  _ please  _ by all means  _ educate  _ me then."

"He knows what he's doing."

"Yeah, I'm sure he does. It's pretty hard to go and destroy a whole town and murder innocent bystanders without knowing."

Ivan squats down and his hand latches onto my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes, "You know  _ nothing  _ about this war."

I look at him wide eyed as he continues, "Innocent people have been dying in it for centuries.  **My brother died in it.** "

I feel my heart clench as I whisper, "Ivan, I'm sorry."

Ivan stands up and paces, "Everyone is sorry! The king is 'sorry'! The Darkling is the only one doing anything about it!" 

I watch his frantic pacing. I watch as he runs his hands through his hair, how his body is tense, and I dare myself to murmur, "But is more death really going to solve anything?" 

Ivan freezes, something flickers across his face, however, it's gone before I can identify what it is. He fully turns to me, his gaze once again burning through to the very recesses of my soul. 

"You know nothing," he states once more. 

I feel as rage grips my heart in its firey clutches, "You keep saying that. Let me tell you something, you aren't the only one who has lost something because of this war,  _ Ivan _ ! You lost a brother, I lost my entire family! My home was destroyed because of a fight over a fucking boarder!" 

My heart races as I continue, not caring about the shock on Ivan's face, "I hardly remember my life before Krimzen, but I know the absence of a mother's love, I know the lack of a father's support, and I know what it's like to be alone! I remember enough to  _ miss _ something I barely recall! You say I know nothing, but I know more than you! I have seen what this war has done first hand and been through a good chunk of those things myself! You don't get to stand there and demean me!"

Ivan stands quietly, his fists clenching and unclenching as he stares blankly at the floor. He opens his mouth and shuts it again and I feel the tension pouring off of him. Finally, after several minutes, Ivan responds. 

His voice comes out soft, barely audible to my ears, "If you know all of that, then why did you abandon us?" 

I am taken aback by the question, I furrow my brow, "I wasn't running away from Ravaka, I was running towards the stag. I couldn't,  _ can't,  _ kill innocent people. It's wrong. I know there's another way to do this, a way that doesn't add to the death toll of our country. Whether you like it or not, what you're helping The Darkling do is only going to cause more pain."

Ivan's face turns cold then and the look in his eyes causes me to flinch, "This will end the war."

I shake my head, "This is wrong, he's a monster for doing this."

Ivan's eyes grow colder still, "Speak anymore treason and I'll gag you."

With that, he's turning, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again. I feel a thick weight settle in my stomach. I will be forced to destroy a whole town and no one is going to stand in the way of that. The tears I've been fighting back finally break free and a soft sob escapes my lips. 

"Saints, I can't. Please don't make me do this."

My whole body shakes as I feel myself sinking lower and lower into an abyss. There is no light, no way out, and I am stuck drowning. 

I don't hear as footsteps approach me, I don't notice the shadowy figure standing before me, and it isn't until I feel a hand on my shoulder that I drag my eyes upwards. I startle and if I could, I would have pulled myself away. Amidst my crying, the lanterns in the tent have been put out and as my eyes adjust to the inky blackness I'm very aware of who is crouched before me: The Darkling. 

My body goes cold as more tears slide down my cheeks.  _ Not now.  _ His face is barely visible, but I still manage to make out the ghosts of his features. His lips are turned down in a frown, his brows are furrowed, and his eyes held something unreadable within their grey depths. 

His hand slides up my cheek and his thumb glides across the skin to swipe away a tear. I feel electricity running through the connection opened between us and I gasp. I feel as his emotions begin to consume my own. Calmness smothers my pain and I find myself turning my head away from his touch.  _ Stop making it hard to hate you.  _

"Alina, " The Darkling's voice sounds raspy, like he's been screaming, " _ Svet,  _ look at me."

It feels like I'm being cut open at those words. A knife has been shoved into my breast and dragged down to my navel, I'm sure of it. However, no blood pours forth and the pain only grows sharper as I breathe out, "It hurts."

I sense the rope holding me to the pole slackening and it isn't long after that that it completely falls away. I don't bother to try and hold myself up and thus flop onto the ground. I land on my side with my hands still tied firmly behind my back. I don't even try to move, I'm just too tired. 

The Darkling's hands guide me into sitting up and then they gently pull me into his lap. Shadows wrap around us, holding us both in a chilled embrace. His touch on my skin brings forth the calmness and peace it always does, however, under that I notice anger and something suspiciously akin to hurt. 

I don't mention it, I don't want to. I've fought for so long and everything inside me feels shattered. I lean against him, my head falling to his shoulder. Nothing is said between us and perhaps that is for the best. I let my mind drift off, allowing myself to bask in the temporary lapse of pain. 

Eventually, The Darkling speaks, " _ Moy svet,  _ you are quiet."

I sigh as everything from before crashes back in and my words sound monotone and dead, even to my own ears, "What is there to say?" 

The Darkling is quiet for a moment then whispers, "Come with me."

My breath catches. 

Even now I want to, holy saints above I want to drown in his touch. Yet, the hole within my being grows. I shake my head, my voice spilling out in a whimper, "No."

His grip tightens around me, "Alina…"

I pull my body away to the best of my ability, "I'll stay here."

He growls, " _ Fine. _ "

He pulls away from me, allowing my body to flop haphazardly to the ground once more. I stare at his boots as he stands above me. Tears begin to fall down my face once more as my body shivers. 

_ Please just leave _ . 

"Damn you," The Darkling spits, "And damn him too."

I feel confusion take over me and very quickly the Darkling's boots are retreating. 

"Wait," I call. 

The boots stop and turn as I wiggle into a sitting position. 

I look up at him as I inquire, "Why Mal?"

The Darkling looks at me as if it were obvious and I can't help but feel unease seeping in. He stalks forward and couches down in front of me. His hand snakes out to grab my chin as he hisses, "He  _ kissed _ you, Alina. What the fuck else have you done?!" 

I blink slowly, my body feels numb as I state, "Nothing."

The Darkling tightens his grip and his eyes scan my face before he whispers, " _ Good _ ."

Then he's leaving me and all I can think about is the look in his eyes as he left. It looked like something inside him had mended slightly, like what I said caused a rift to close just a bit more. 

_ But he doesn't care about me or… No. He doesn't care, not really. Right?  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 1an and I got stuff to do in the morning, so that means I should write!! Yay! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please let me know if there are any typos I missed while editing because sometimes I just don't spot them. 
> 
> Thank you as always for reading!!


	4. Outside Kirbrisk

I sit upon my horse, glowering at the boy,  _ that damned tracker _ . How could  _ he _ be what Alina placed her affections in? Their kiss burned steadily within my mind, each second searing its way into my heart.  _ Damn him.  _

My eyes turn toward the black carriage in a vain attempt to see through the lacquered wood. I sigh softly, forcing my face into a neutral expression as the landscape passes by, mostly unseen. 

Several days have passed since the night in the tent and several more since The Winter Frete. My chest tightens as my mind conjures up images of Alina's hand in my own, her light mingling with my darkness, and her voice whispering in my ears. I shake my head, trying to clear the memories to no avail.  _ Damn it all _ . 

My entire body feels stiff and not from the journey. I haven't said a word to her since that night, not a single utterance, and why?  _ I am afraid.  _ I grit my teeth as my hands grip the reigns ever tighter. 

"What will she say?" I wonder, "How much further can that woman cut me?" 

"Alina, my light, you arouse the deepest parts of me, the parts I long thought dead and for that, you terrify me."

I growl at the admittance, even though it is just to myself. How dare she? How dare she take my heart out of my hands?!  _ How dare she take away my control?!  _

"Sir?" The soft voice of Ivan causes me to jump. 

I focus on him and realize my horse has stopped moving due to my taunt grip on the reigns. I sigh once more and nudge the creature forward, this time making sure to be more aware of the surrounding area. 

Ivan keeps his horse in pace with mine and I force myself to meet his eyes with a bored expression. I level my voice into a flat tone, "Something on your mind, Ivan?" 

He bites his lip and I resist the urge to roll my eyes, "Well?" I urge. 

"You're distracted," he finally states. 

I feel my face turn sour, "What of it?" 

He averts his gaze from my own, "Go talk to her."

"To who?" 

Ivan gives me a pointed look, "The only woman, let alone  _ person _ , who has ever seemed to distract you. I may not understand why you're attracted to that…  _ Traitor _ , but I know you are."

I scowl slightly, less annoyed at Ivan and more irritated at the fact he saw it. I Feel myself stiffening evermore as Ivan continues, "All I'm trying to say is, we're almost to Kirbrisk, you should take this chance to go see her."

With that he is moving ahead to take tabs on the other riders within our party. I huff,  _ dammit.  _ I signal to the others to slow our pace and allow for a stop. We can take a break for now. I slide off my horse and stretch my limbs, once more glancing at the carriage. 

My heartbeat quickens.  _ Do I dare?  _ One step forward, a shallow breath. Another step and a moment to steal my nerves. Before I know it I'm before the door and pulling it open. I see Alina hunched over inside, not even bothering to look at who stands outside. Her hair is haphazard and her body screams exhaustion. 

I step inside, close the door, and place myself in the seat across from her. She doesn't seem to notice me at first, but eventually she lazily turns her gaze upon me. My breath catches at the sight of her opal eyes and the near bruise like bags beneath them.  _ Saints, has she slept at all?  _

I watch as surprise flickers across her features, then sadness, and, finally, anger. I feel my insides freeze over as she folds her arms over her chest, her gaze once more turning from me to stare at the curtained window. 

"We're two hours outside Kirbrisk," I state in a monotone voice. 

"Wonderful," Alina replies in an equally flat tone. 

"When we arrive you will say very  **brief** greetings and hellos before stating you need rest and retiring to your tent." 

She shrugs, "Got it, don't give away the fact I'm actually a prisoner and you're a gigantic asshole."

I feel my eye twitch, but before I can say more she continues, "By the way, how are you going to cover up the fact I've been missing for almost three weeks and that I look half dead? Those are kind of two very key details to go over." 

I stay quiet for a moment before shrugging, "You've been in isolation, meditating and fasting, in order to seek guidance for your daunting task."

Alina snorts at that and then we fall into silence once more. 

I stare at her as she seems to fade into her own mind. What was she thinking? My chest tightens as the carriage begins to move once more.  _ What am I supposed to say to her?  _ I blink slowly, trying to find ground within myself. Alina doesn't move an inch and I feel my heart quicken. She closes her eyes, as if to sleep and I feel my gut twist. I want to say something,  _ anything.  _ Yet, I want her to rest as well.  _ Why do I care so much?  _

I am pulled from my thoughts by Alina stating, "You should go if you're not going to say anything." 

I force myself to respond flatly, even as the knife that is her words stabs between my ribs, "Why? You didn't seem to mind my company the night of the Freight."

Alina finally turns her gaze to me, her doe-like eyes are watery and her beautiful face is contorted in anger as she responds in a deathly quiet tone, " **Do not.** Don't you  _ dare _ do that to me."

Frustration slips through into my features as my stomach churns, "Do  _ what _ , Alina?" 

Her voice rises, "Bring up that night! I didn't know then you were lying through your teeth! I didn't know then that you were going to take my love and throw it in my face! I didn't know  **who** and  **what** you were that night!" 

I glower at her, feeling each one of her words sink into my mind. I resist the urge to snap at her, to ask her  _ who  _ and  _ what _ I was to her now. I couldn't handle the answers I knew she'd provide. I was a liar and a monster to her. She didn't need to tell me that, I already knew. 

Instead, I breathe in and let out a long sigh, "I don't want it to be like this, Alina."

Her anger is wiped clean from her features, to be replaced by an expression of pain. 

My body physically aches as tears slip past her eyes and down her cheeks. Her voice is near inaudible and if I wasn't paying attention I would have missed her next words, "I don't either."

Her voice cracks as she struggles to hold back her tears and without thinking, I'm pulling her into my lap. 

She seems startled at first, but quickly grips my  _ Kefta  _ as she buries her face in my shoulder. My heart beats rapidly as she lets out a shaking sob. I tentatively place my hand on the back of her neck, sending feelings of calm and warmth through the connection that blossoms open. 

Her thoughts immediately bombard me: " _ He hurt me. He threatened Mal. Why am I clinging to him? He's so warm. Why can't I hate him? It hurts so much. I'm so tired, he's so warm. A moment can't hurt, right?"  _

I breathe heavily as my chest tightens. I fight to keep my own thoughts and emotions from slipping through the connection. Her heartache and feelings of betrayal settle right next to mine. Her sorrow covets my mind as I pull her closer. I feel her power blazing through it all. The potential I had felt before now is a stark reality as her light glitters and bobs, seeming to ask me to call it out. For a moment I want to. I want to pull it up and out of her to feel warm again, but as Alina's hands grip my hair I push the thought away. 

"Hush, my light," I murmur, "I'm here. I have you."

She says nothing, however, her shoulders relax ever so slightly. 

"We are very much alike,  _ malo sveta _ ," I voice my thoughts as I rub her back, "We are the only two who will ever completely understand one another. The boy will not be able to comprehend all of your complexities." 

I feel her stiffen in my grasp, still I push on, "You are my Alina, I will accept every part of you. Everything within you, your darkness and light, your pain and joy, your insecurities and your talents. I will understand  **_everything._ ** I'm not evil, Alina, please don't think of me that way. You could understand why I'm doing this if you just listened."

She pulls back to look at me. Her eyes hold a complexity of emotions, each one so tangled up with the other I wasn't sure what they were. Her face looks solemn and through the connection I hear no thoughts, but feel as conflict rages within her.  _ Understand. Please, you must understand.  _

I reach forward and brush back her hair. I let a small smile slip into my features as I say quietly, "We are of the same coin." 

I feel shock rush through me as she suddenly leans forward, I gasp as her lips brush mine. Within moments her hands are yanking my hair and her lips kiss mine roughly. I feel her boiling rage, her freezing sorrow, and her warm love. 

My chest finally loosens, the weight within it falling away. I pull her ever closer as I allow myself to open up to her again. I allow her to feel my own pain, my own rage, and my complete relief.  _ My light is home. My light is back.  _

Then she's pulling away and she stares into my being. Her face is flushed, her breaths come in pants, and she is so beautiful. She caresses my cheeks and I lean into the touch.  _ My light, my love.  _ I feel peace stretch between us and I finally let myself relax, but just as soon as the calmness comes, it goes once again. 

The connection shoves something cold into my lungs and her thoughts scream all at once, too many things to hear as she gives me a sad smile.  _ Don't ruin this. Just come back, please, let us fix this.  _

Alina's voice is hushed as she seems to force her next phrase out of her throat, "We are of the same coin, but the thing about coins is that they have two sides. I can't accept you murdering innocent people, Darkling. It's just wrong."

My heart sinks and I feel myself shoving her off of me as I hiss, "I will be watching you in Kirbrisk. If you go even an inch out of line, I will make sure you hear your tracker scream."

I open the door of the carriage and step out without waiting for it to slow. I slam the door closed, blocking her heated glare from me. Yet, the space doesn't take away my furry, doesn't remove the ice and fire rolling within my veins. It doesn't make the thorns stabbing my entire being disappear and that closed door doesn't stop her growing hatred for me from flooding my senses. 

_ Damn it all!  _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait in an update. The whole covid thing has really hit me hard and life has been so crazy that I haven't been able to write very much.
> 
> I finally decided "fuck this shit" and broke the cycle, so there's that.
> 
> Anyway, there might be six chapters instead of five, just because the set up for the smut scene might take a minute.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and comments/kudos are always appreciated. Those things always brighten up my day.

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to leave comments! Your thoughts are always appreciated and make me smile!


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